“OK everyone settle down. We need to review our use of force policy today. There have been reports that some of you are trying to defend yourselves and avoid disabling injuries. The higher-ups wanted to remind you that death, traumatic brain injury, getting stabbed, being run over, exposure to bodily fluids, and other minor wounds are part of the job you signed on for.
“Please remember when you are writing your reports that being scared is not to be cited as a reason to use force. Wilson, you got a question?
“Sarge that’s never been a reason to use force. There must be an articulable threat that a reasonable person would believe presents an imminent danger of death or serious bodily harm to self or others.”
“Enough legal mumbo jumbo, Wilson. Use the superpowers God gave you when you pinned your badge on. Next item, write this down, no deadly force is to be used for the following categories of persons: anyone under 21 years of age or over 60 years of age, or any physical, emotional, or mental impairment. Also, anyone whose initial contact was because of a minor offense, including traffic violations, no matter whether they use a weapon when you approach them, should be arrested using force. Be aware that anyone who was going to make something of themselves the day after your contact is also to be treated gently. For example, if they were going to enroll in college, enter a drug treatment program, get counseling, or start going to church, you need to cut them a break so they can be a better person. Also, if it is their birthday, the first day of their new job, the night before their wedding, or just had a baby they are also exempt from being arrested with force.
“What now, Wilson?”
“Sarge, we still have some qualified immunity if we make a mistake in a situation nobody has ever faced before, right?” No, Officer Wilson, you are in one of the states that did away with qualified immunity. Immunity only applies to the Governor, the legislature, the judges, the prosecutors, and other first responders. Not cops. Besides, everyone knows that based on last week’s four-hour course on de-escalation that the laws of physics and human behavior have no place in law enforcement. Just because somebody doesn’t drop their knife or gun after a half-dozen cops have their guns drawn yelling “drop it!” doesn’t mean you couldn’t have talked them into the social worker’s van if you really wanted to.
“And let’s keep those helmets, vests, shotguns, and protective gear in the trunk, people. We don’t want to make anybody nervous today. Being prepared with equipment is clearly an act of aggression that just causes people to burn down buildings. Let’s keep that for the night shift officers. Some of you are failing to diagnose mental illness, what kind of drugs or medications a person is on, and whether or not they are basically a good person. Let’s sharpen those psychic skills!
“We also continue to have officers across the country shooting at cars. Remember our policy is that if you don’t get out of the way of someone trying to kill you or others, it is your fault if you get hurt. Once again, I remind you that the laws of physics and limitations of the human body do not apply to police work. Besides violating policy, officers are subject to being sued if the felonious driver gets away and hurts somebody else. If you can’t talk down the driver of a two-ton piece of metal traveling at 60 miles per hour, then maybe you shouldn’t be in the police business.
“OK, pop quiz: what is the first thing you do if you are being shot at? Anybody…ugh, Wilson? “
“Call for assistance, get behind cover and concealment, and give clear verbal commands to the suspect?”
“Wrong. The first thing you have to do is make sure you turn your body cam on. We have to stop thinking about protecting ourselves and others from harm during these milliseconds when you have to make life and death decisions. Instead of reaching for your radio or unholstering your weapon, you have to remember to flick that switch to get your body cam on. Otherwise, we’ll have to assume that you’re hiding something and the whole event must have been something that you caused to happen. If you get shot and die or become disabled, the news will be finished with that story in a day or two. But if you have no video of the shooting and, God forbid the person you shot back at is one of the exempted persons who are allowed not to be fought with or shot, that could cause some real public relations problems for a long time.”
“Now, if there are no further questions, let’s get out there, stay in your cars and avoid having any contact with anybody today.”